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If I Was a Billionaire

If I was a billionaire, I’d teach jerks and idiots what can happen when they take up two parking spaces. Or park on the line. Or otherwise make finding parking spaces a pain in the butt. Especially at malls during the Christmas shopping season.

I’d spend a few days a week cruising through parking lots looking for cars/trucks parked in impolite ways. You know, that hot little sports car that the owner things is too special to allow anyone to get near — the one parked diagonal across two spaces. I’d drive my own car right into one of the spaces, smashing and scraping up on the jackhole’s car. It might take a few tries, pulling in — CRASH — pulling back out — SCRAPE — driving in again — GRIND.

Then I’d turn off the car, get out, lock the doors, and go in the store. I’d go to the customer service desk and tell them to announce, “The owner of the hot little sports car parked in two spaces, your car has been damaged.”

I’d go ahead and call the police myself, because I’d love to hear the idiot explain to the cops how this situation came about — after all, my car would be properly parked in one space.

I would, of course, own up to the collision (after the jerk got all worked up), and pay whatever expenses were required. It’s not the money, it’s the moral. If your car is so special that you want to hog an extra space in the parking lot for it, don’t drive it to the store.

The rule is: one space to one car. If you break the rule, expect a chance that your car gets broken.

If this plan turns out to be criminal (punishment more than money), I’d use a tow truck. I’d still cruise the parking lots looking for cars parked stupid, but instead of smashing them, I’d carefully hook up the cable from the truck to the car. I’d then easily just slide the offending car over into just one space.

Then I’d wait in the parking lot, with my tow truck, for the jerk to come out of the store. I’d explain what I had to do, and I’d hand the owner a [very high] bill for the service (with a due date and a collection agency’s address). I’d get in my truck and drive away.

Of course, I’d never expect or pursue payment for the service (billionaire, you know). But maybe it would make the idiot think a bit about how he’s being an annoyance to the general public.


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