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God Bless the Remote Control

Last night I watched This is Spinal Tap on VH1, Last Stand of the 300 on History Channel, Ron White on Comedy Central, and Destroyed in Seconds on Discovery all at the same time. Then I watched the Roast of Bob Saget on Comedy Central, Deal or No Deal on whatever channel is one above Comedy Central (I was curious, I’d never seen it before), and Family Guy on some channel I don’t remember, again, all at the same time.

Cowgrit wanted me to come to bed and talk.

“But, but, I’m watchin’ . . . stuff,” I retorted.

She was not impressed with my multitasking. If I was just watching one show, I could have broken free. I could have turned off the TV and gone to bed. But I was watching four shows! You can’t ask a man to give up on four shows. I was seeing more TV in one night than I had seen in all the previous month.

I was in the TV-watching zone. I had the pattern of switching through the channels down perfect — I was following four different stories without missing one scene in any of them. It’s easy for a man to keep up with two TV shows at one time by switching back and forth with the remote. Following three shows is a challenge, but following four shows is a downright god-like feat.

I was on a whole new level. You can’t just break that off to talk. I mean, heck, we talk every day. We’ll talk again tomorrow. I won’t get to see this much TV again for months. But then, when I did turn off the TV and go to the bedroom, I found she had closed the door. She never closes the door on me, unless she’s pissed.

“Uh oh,” I thought, “maybe we won’t be talking tomorrow.”


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