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Do I Need a Scooter?

I got this in the mail last week:

You have got to be kidding me. I’m definitely not a candidate for a scooter. I’m middle-aged and in the best fitness of my life. What kind of list am I on to get this kind of mailing?

But, out of curiosity, instead of just chucking the thing in the trash can, I decided to open it and see this “Personal Mobility Assessment.”

Well, let’s see:

1. Do you sometimes feel left out by not being able to get together with family and friends?

Nope. I can pretty much get together with anyone at any time. And when I don’t get together with them, I gotta admit, I kind of enjoy the peace and quiet.

2. Do you have health-related issues that limit your mobility?

Nope, again. I’m about as mobile as a person can get. But I gotta say, cruising along in one of those chairs does look like it could be fun.

3. Are you having trouble getting to your kitchen or dining facility by yourself for a meal?

Oh God, yes. Every time I try to get to the kitchen by myself, there are a couple of perpetually hungry boys hanging out in there wanting me to make them something. (Usually a pizza.)

4. Is it difficult for you to get to the bathroom on your own?

Oh yes, again. Every time I go into the bathroom on my own, even for just a minute to pee, some little boy comes looking for me. “Daddy, are you gonna make that pizza?”

5. Are you unable to easily access your clothes and dress yourself each day?

That’s easy. My clothes are usually in the basket beside my bed, all clean from when Cowgrit washed them, four days ago. (Why hang up or fold and put away clothes? They’ll just be dirty and in the hamper again in a few days.)

6. Have you lost the ability to operate a manual wheelchair inside your home?

Hmm. Lost the ability? I’ve never tried it. Using a wheelchair requires sitting down, and those two young boys I mentioned earlier don’t really give a daddy any time for sitting down. “Dad, when will the pizza be ready?”

7. Are you feeling like a bother to others due to limited mobility?

No. But I am feeling bothered by others due to limited time for immobility. “Dad, the oven’s beeping. Does that mean our pizza is cooked?”

8. Have you fallen in the past 12 months?

Oh! Yes I have. I slipped on a pile of Pokemon cards and fell on the hardwood floor in our kitchen. I had to lay still for a minute to do a mental checklist of still functional body parts. “Daddy, I looked in the oven window, and I think our pizza is starting to burn. If it burns, I want chicken nuggets instead.”

Bullgrit

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