Trouble at School

I was at my work office, just working at my computer, when a call came to my cell phone. I looked at the screen and saw the call was from an unknown number. I answered and was greeted by a woman calling me “Mister” Grit.

The caller started with, “I’m sorry to contact you like this, as I know you’re probably at work and busy….” It seemed to take a long while for the woman to eventually say who she was and what the call was about, but she eventually got there: She was the assistant principal at our boys’ elementary school, and the call was about our older boy, Calfgrit11.

Now, our youngest boy, Calfgrit7, has been at home sick most of the week. Wifegrit and I have been worried that someone else in our house was going to come down with what the little one had, (it’s been a nasty bug), so my immediate thought was that Calfgrit11 was sick at school.

My second thought was about why the school was calling me instead of Wifegrit. Our home number and her cell phone number should be at the top of the school’s contact list, as she is a stay-at-home mom, and we live literally across the street from the school. I don’t mind that the school calls me when needed, but I was thinking about how I was up to 45 minutes away, and if our son needed to be picked up, I couldn’t be there immediately. The principal was taking so long to come to the point of her call that all these thoughts had time to run through my head.

Eventually, she got around to explaining that Calfgrit11 had been in an “altercation in the lunch room.” What!? I didn’t say it, but the exclamation was loud in my head. I wasn’t angry or upset, as the principal’s tone suggested she expected, but I was stunned. Calfgrit11 in a fight at school? He’s as mild mannered a kid as you’ll ever see.

The principal reported the incident very slowly, precisely, and clearly. I could tell she felt like she was walking on eggshells, and I can understand why — not all parents will listen well before jumping to conclusions, defenses, and accusations. The situation was:

In the lunch room, another boy was poking CG11, and wouldn’t stop. The other boy kept poking and pushing until CG11 fell to the floor. When CG11 got up from the floor, he hit the other boy, and then left his spot in line to move to the back of the line. A teacher saw what happened and took the boys aside to send to the principal’s office. Neither boy was hurt.

The principal made sure to clearly state that the other boy started it, and the other boy wouldn’t stop despite CG11’s telling him to stop. She directly stated that the other boy was at fault for instigating and escalating the altercation. But she said CG11’s fault was in not getting a teacher involved instead of fighting back. Because the principal has to enforce some consequence for the fighting, she was going to give CG11 a one lunch detention the next day. She didn’t directly say, but I inferred from her report that she was happy that CG11 walked away from the boy to end the altercation instead of escalating the situation into a real brawl. She added that CG11 would be bringing home a written report on the incident.

OK. I asked if I needed to do anything, like come to the school to pick him up. No, there was no need for me to do anything. CG11 would go back to his classroom and other than the lunch time in her office, (as detention), the next day, the situation with him was resolved.

I got up with Wifegrit right after I hung up with the principal. Turns out she had been with sick Calfgrit7 and so wasn’t able to get to either the house phone or her cell phone when the principal called. And when she tried calling her back, she couldn’t get through because the principal was on the phone with me. After I relayed the story to Wifegrit, I decided to leave the office and go home. I wanted to be home when Calfgrit11 got out of school, and Wifegrit needed my “calming influence.” She was already stressed out for having a sick child home for three days, and now her other son had been in a fight. I had to “order” her to not go to the school and just wait for me.

I went home and we talked about it some more. Wifegrit calmed down, and we both came to the conclusion that it seemed Calfgrit11 did well in the situation. We decided we were not angry; we were thinking about being impressed with what seemed to be maturity on our 11 year old’s part. But we wanted to hear the story directly from him.

At the school-let-out time, I met Calfgrit11 outside the school, and we walked home. As he walked out of the building, I could see on his face that he was distressed. As soon as he got to me, I told him, “You’re not in trouble with me and mom.” I couldn’t tell if that was a relief for him or not. But as we walked home, he talked about his day around the incident, and he seemed to relax and turn happy.

At home, the three of us sat down and discussed what happened. Turned out, the boy who had been poking and pushing him was a friend. Well, had been a friend at one time, during the first few months of the school year. The other boy started to get on CG11’s nerves, being too annoying, so CG11 stopped hanging with him. (This we’ve known about.) The lunch room incident was just an extreme example of the annoyances the other boy caused CG11. The boy poked and pushed just being silly, but it went so far that CG11 fell down. In trying to get back up, CG11 flailed with his elbows to get the other boy to back off, and “maybe” or “probably” hit the boy in the legs. Once CG11 was up, the boy hit him in retaliation for the elbowing. CG11 then walked away to the back of the lunch line.

Wifegrit and I were both impressed with how our boy handled not only the incident at the time, but how he took the investigation by the assistant principal. Neither boy was really trying nor wanted to fight or hurt each other. The other boy was just being overly energetic in his attempts at getting CG11’s attention. CG11 managed to keep his head in the situation, and managed to keep his composure when taken to the principal’s office to explain the situation.

I was satisfied with how the school handled the situation, too. The principal was very slow and clear when reporting it to me, and though she decided to give a punishment to my son for an incident he didn’t start, and that he ended well, the punishment was very light. I would say my son doesn’t deserve a detention even for one lunch period, but I can understand why she made that decision. And the decision is not so wrong that I think a parent should make the principal’s job harder by second guessing and arguing the issue.

That evening, I sat down with Calfgrit11 and made sure he understood Wifegrit’s and my position on the incident. I told him that we think he handled it pretty well. Yes, as the principal said, he probably should have told a teacher or separated himself from the other boy before the poking and pushing got as far as it did, (and that’s why he has the lunch detention). But sometimes things escalate faster than you expect. Sometimes people won’t stop doing something just because you tell them to stop. Sometimes things get out of hand. But if you keep your head, remove yourself from the problem when you can, or defend yourself if you have to, a bad situation can end up not bad for you. I told him we were proud of how he handled it.

He said, “Thanks.”

Bullgrit