Troll in the Neighborhood

I’ve posted about the turmoil in our neighborhood over the local school board’s district reassignment proposal. There’s a Web site and an email discussion forum for the neighborhood, and sometimes it runs long and hot. I’m not part of the online community, but Cowgrit is, and she keeps me up to date on the important information. She has me read messages on her computer, so I know the general tenor of the people and the opinions.

Today one of our direct neighbors posted an email asking if anyone knew about a particular aspect of the new school (Laurel Park) and how could we give input. It was a logical question predicated on the intelligent understanding that we might not win this battle against the Board of Education. It was not a note of surrender, but just a question about formulating a “Plan B.”

Her question was wrapped up in gracious appreciation for what everyone was doing about the situation, and thanks for how everyone before her (she has a kindergartner at our school) had made our school the success it is.

One guy responded with this:

I thought this Group was not for Laurel Park but for DDE and to drive DDE as the solution. Maybe you might want to register somewhere else in another group other than [XXXXX] since obviously you have been shepard and will be shepard again I am sure before your child hits 2nd grade.
Five simple words, “What a Load of Crap”

Cowgrit had me read this and the other responses. My first exclamation was, “What a jackass.”

There was one response after this that said, “Exactly,” supporting this guy’s flame. There were a couple other responses saying, “Let’s be civil,” and such. The jackass came back in a following email, saying, “No intent in being uncivil, but . . .” Then someone even thanked him for saying he didn’t mean to be uncivil. He was thanked!?

I was pissed. The woman who posed the initial question is a friend of ours. She’s participated in the same support against the BoE proposal that we have. She didn’t deserve that kind of response from anyone, much less from someone on the same “team.” Cowgrit talked with her on the phone, and she was very hurt and upset.

I hate bullies, in the school, in the neighborhood, and in email threads about the neighborhood school. I’ve been a regular poster in various Internet message boards for years, so I’m no novice at dealing with the various Flame Warriors online.

I wrote up a response for Cowgrit to post to the group, but she was hesitant. Like most nice, polite people, she didn’t want to engage in a fight with a jackass. I, however, will stand up to a jackass, if necessary. In this case, I just wanted to call the guy on his statements, let him know he can’t get a pass on saying things like that. Cowgrit wanted to think about it before sending my words out to the email group.

So I looked up how to reply, and I sent the email, with only my own name signed:

Regardless of how right you think your response is, it was absolutely not neighborly. I think, and hope, you would not have responded with those words in a face-to-face discussion. Trolls and flames are normal parts of many anonymous Internet discussions, but remember, in this Internet discussion, we are all not only not anonymous, but we are neighbors. A friendly neighbor would not tell someone off like that.

My wife and I have also thought about what input parents would have, and how input should be given, if we lose this fight. Having these thoughts is not traitorous — they are actually wise things to consider. Asking the questions in a discussion is not rude — it’s a natural part of the discourse.

Snide, dismissive, and directly insulting (“What a Load of Crap”) responses do not show support for the neighborhood. They do not show friendliness to our neighbors. An apology to the neighbor is due.

The next response from the jackass said, “I sincerely apologize and lets move on. The fact is . . .” So, at least he did apologize. He continued to rant, but it wasn’t directed at anyone particular.

I got a private email from another neighbor thanking me for standing up like I did. And the neighbor who was attacked called us and thanked us for responding like I did.

Now, I didn’t do anything heroic or impressive. I just called an online bully on his attitude. He knows my name and I know his name, although I don’t know where exactly he lives in the community.

Standing up to bullies is easy to do in email, but too many people are willing to just let things like that go. It’s a short step between letting online bullies go and letting real world, face-to-face bullies go. And it’s a big leap between standing up to online bullies and standing up to real world, face-to-face bullies.

I like to think I would have done the same thing in a face-to-face encounter — I’d rather be knocked down from standing on my feet, than stepped over groveling on the ground. I’ve backed down from bullies in my past, and I’ve stood up to bullies in my past. I’ve found that standing up is rarely as bad as we fear, and the feelings about oneself afterward are always better. Plus standing up makes for a much better story to tell.

Bullgrit
bullgrit@totalbullgrit.com