A Medium-Sized Mess

I had just dropped off the 6 year old at school, and I hadn’t had any breakfast yet. So, instead of going directly back home, I turned the van toward Biscuitville. The 3 year old was full of questions.
“Where are we going now?”
“Where is mom?”
“Why are we going this way?”
“What is the name of this road?”
“What is the name of this store?”
On and on and on and on. . . .

On the way, I called my wife to ask if she wanted anything from the restaurant. We went through the drive-through, where I ordered an egg biscuit for me, a bowl of grits and a medium Mountain Dew for my wife. The 3 year old didn’t want anything—I asked him if he was sure, twice.

When I got my order, the guy at the window handed me a bucket of MD. Good lord, I thought, this cup is big enough for movie theater popcorn. It’s been happening for years, this increase in drink sizes, but it still catches me by surprise. A medium today is the size of what would have been considered extra large 20 years ago. And to add a little bit of sad irony to the trend, when I order a water at a fast food restaurant, I inevitably get a little child-sized cup mostly full of ice. It’s like they’re trying to make sure you get more than plenty of caffeinated sugar-drink, but they want to keep you thirsty for good, healthy water.

Anyway, I set the barrel of MD in the cup holder between the front seats. The cup is smaller at the bottom so it can fit in car cup holders. This makes it very top heavy—something that didn’t really seem important at that moment.

When I pulled out of the parking lot, turning left onto the highway, the cup jumped out of the holder and into the passenger seat. I quickly reached over to catch the cup, and managed to just barely get my fingers on it. When I looked back up, out the windshield, I saw I was about to hit the right-side curb. I had to jerk the steering wheel with my left hand, and this renewed momentum to the extra-large “medium-sized” cup of Mountain Dew, and it flew out from under my fingers and into the passenger-side door. It wedged between the seat and the door, but the plastic top popped off, and 50 gallons of ice and green liquid all poured out into the floor.

As soon as I could, I pulled off into a parking lot. I got out of the van and walked around to the passenger side. When I opened the door, MD and ice fell out like sports gear in an over-stuffed closet. Nice. Just great. Sigh, double sigh, and cuss (under my breath because the 3 year old was watching).

“What happened daddy?”
“Where are we?”
“Why did you get out of the van?”
“What are you doing?”
“I want a biscuit.”

Bullgrit
bullgrit@totalbullgrit.com