If I was a billionaire, I’d produce an action movie starring me. Bad guys would be after me, but with wits and wiles, I’d stay one step ahead of them. Occasionally I’d let a couple or ten thugs catch up with me, and then I’d kick their asses. I’d dodge bullets, I’d leap away from explosions, I’d drive a car through a building, I’d snap off cool one-liners.

I’d hire a bunch of Hollywood action stars to play cameos just to state how badass I am.

Bruce Willis would say, “That, fellas, is Bullgrit. You guys might want to let him go.”

Jason Statham would say, “I’ll hold your coat, Mr. Grit, so you don’t get their blood on it.”

Daniel Craig would say, “His name is Grit. Bull Grit.”

Keanu Reeves would say, “Whoa.”

Lucy Liu would say, “Mmmm.”

Samuel L. Jackson would say . . . something I shouldn’t put in this family friendly web site. The movie would have to be rated NC-17.

I’d get a personal trainer to get me in shape for the gratuitous shirtless scene. I’d burn through more ammunition than Delta Force does in a month of training. I’d wreck 13 cars. I’d buy a building just to blow it up.

I’d start teaser trailers a year before the movie is to be released. I’d pay critics to just keep their damn mouths shut.

Released at the same time as the movie would be an “unofficial” biography of me that supports everything shown in the movie as being fact. (The beginning of the movie would state, “Based on true events.”) I’d hire a cosmetic surgeon to add a couple of knife and bullet scars to my body. A bullet scar on the shoulder, small blade scar at the eyebrow — just enough to give me “character” and show how tough I am (and support the “truth” of the movie and book).

Bullgrit

Viewed: DVD

I’ve been a fan of M. Night Shamalangadingdong, (or however you pronounce his name), since Sixth Sense. Although I haven’t seen all his movies, I have liked all the ones I have seen.

The Happening, though, eh, is not all that. It’s not a bad movie, and I don’t feel that I wasted an hour and a half, but it’s not really as good as I expect from M. Night. His movies usually are well thought through, with any plot holes at least concealed. Plot holes in this film, though, stand out.

And how they figure out the problem comes from plants? It’s a leap of logic that I just don’t see how they could figure out. I can understand the florist/botanist guy making that assumption — he’s a bit weird and obsessed — but really, there’s no evidence that plants are the danger.

Every time the characters mentioned plants as the probable cause of the problems, they were standing surrounded by plants. If plants were the problem, you should be dying right now.

But I did like the idea that larger groups of people were in more danger than smaller groups. That was a neat gimmick.

The “almost end,” (before the real end scene), felt tacked on, and unnecessary. The real end scene was a good end.

Bullgrit

“How does Darth Vader die?”

“Are Anakin and Obi-Wan brothers?”

These are the questions Calfgrit7 asks me about Star Wars. I’ve been planning to sit down with CG7 to watch the Star Wars movies when he’s old enough — I was 10 when I saw A New Hope — but his interest in Star Wars is growing faster than his age.

I have the original VHS versions of the first three movies (Eps. IV, V, VI). They were given to me as a Christmas gift back in the 90s, before there was even any talk about the special editions or prequels.

I was hoping for him to experience the magic and surprises of Star Wars with me, but with all the Star Wars paraphernalia in the world, he’s learning so much about it without ever even seeing the movie package. He has asked many questions about the different characters, and some things I’ve had to refuse to tell him — like Darth Vader is Luke’s father, Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader, etc. I haven’t told him why I don’t want to tell him.

Then the other day he brought home a book he checked out from the library at school: The Secrets of Darth Vader. “Ha, Dad, I’m going to know how Darth Vader dies,” he said. Damn.

Well, I talked to Cowgrit about this — she’s known I want to watch the movies with CG7 — and we’re going to make time this weekend. She’ll take Calfgrit4 off somewhere for a couple of hours, and CG7 and I will sit and watch at least A New Hope. I’d like to watch it on Saturday, and then watch The Empire Strikes Back on Sunday, and then squeeze in Return of the Jedi Monday evening, but we don’t know if we can work in six hours like that.

If I’m going to do this, I have to do it now, or he’ll learn too much before seeing the movies. The hard part is doing it behind CG4’s back, and keeping it all a secret from him. CG7 will want to talk about having seen the movies, and CG4 will be upset if he knows he’s missed something like that (but 4 years old is too young for a PG movie).

Now if I can just “misplace” his The Secrets of Darth Vader book for a few days.

Bullgrit