Failure to Complete Vasectomy

Warning: This post contains strong language — I’m not joking.

My appointment for the vasectomy was set for 11:00. We called in the morning to see if we needed to be there earlier, but the receptionist said, “No, just be here by 11:00.”

I was to take my Valium at 10:30, after which I’d be unreliable for anything. We got the boys off to school by 9:00 in the morning, and then ran out for a couple of errands until we had to go to my doc. At 10:00, the boys’ school called, and Calfgrit11 was sick. I went to pick him up from school while Wifegrit quickly called around to find someone who could keep him while we were at my appointment. A good friend came through in the nick of time, picking up our boy at 10:45

So, at 10:30, I had taken my Valium, and within twenty minutes, I was feeling all woozy and wobbly. I wasn’t completely out of it, though — I managed a text conversation and a game of Chess with Friends with my brother while sitting in the doc’s waiting room. I had talked to a pharmacist just that morning to ask how long the Valium would be affecting me, and she said the most effect will be in the first 2 hours, but it will take about 6 hours to completely be out of my system. The waiting room was crowded, and it was 45 minutes late when the nurse called me back.

I stood up and walked relatively well to the triage room where the nurse took my blood pressure and temperature. All was good. I wasn’t very worried or anxious by this point. The Valium experience was interesting, but I felt I had all my faculties, just slower.

I was taken back to the procedure room, and told to strip from the waist down. I did, and sat down on the table. The nurse asked how I was doing, and I commented that I’d like to just go to sleep for the whole thing. She said, “Just lay back and go on to sleep.” In hindsight, I realize now that she thought I was saying I was sleepy, and would like to be allowed to go to sleep. No, I wasn’t at all sleepy — I was saying that I wanted to be sleepy.

I was then left alone for some long while until the nurse came back in. I had not gone to sleep, and I was getting anxious despite the Valium. I wasn’t upset or having a problem, but I was ready to just get this over with. The waiting, alone in a big room, naked from the waste down, with nothing to do but anticipate what was to come started to get a bit bothersome.

I closed my eyes while the nurse was doing something on the other side of the room. Then, out of the blue, “This will feel cold,” and suddenly she sprayed my exposed parts with something very cold. “Yeaag!” I grunted. I nearly jolted off the table; that startled the hell out of me!

Holy shit! Not even a 1-second warning before shooting me with whatever that was didn’t help keep the anxiety away. I mean, really, she’d barely said the word, “cold,” when I was hit by the cold. And then she left. I didn’t even know what that was. I presume it was some kind of numbing spray, but I still don’t know for sure. This was the start of the torture session I was in for. At least the spray didn’t hurt, it was just very cold and startling.

I was again left alone in the room for another long while, left to my anxiety, with no information on what was to come next. I definitely wasn’t going to close my eyes again. And then the doctor came in. He sat down and said it was time for the shot.

Now, I knew there would be a shot for local anesthetic. I’ve had shots before, and I do okay with them. I get a flu shot every year, and I’ve had shots in my mouth a couple of times over the past couple of years. In fact, just last year, for some dental work, I got three shots in my gums, and though they were not pleasant, I handled them okay. I also knew this shot was not going into a testicle — just in the scrotum — so I wasn’t too worried about it. Just a quick sting, and it would be over. Well, no, not really. (Note: I had checked my watch, and this was an hour and a half into my Valium, which would be in full effect for only 2 hours. (Note: If I had the presence of mind to check my watch for the time, and remember it, I don’t think the Valium was calming me.)

“You’ll feel a sting, here,” the doc said, and immediately stuck me with the needle.

“Ow,” but okay.

“Now you’ll feel a burning,” he said.

“Oh, god!” I moaned. Damn, that was a shock. Yeah, it burned, like a patch of my scrotum was on fire.

“And now a kick down below,” he said.

“Ooof!” I grunted. God damn, that hurt! It felt like something had quickly squeezed my testicle tightly. I jerked involuntarily, and everything clinched up. Son of a bitch, that was another surprise I didn’t know to expect before the half-second warning.

“And finally,” he said, “a little scratch.”

The scratch was barely noticeable after the goddamn sting, burn, and kick.

“You have to put your legs down,” he said, “and it’s best if you don’t move.”

Yeah, this admonition from a man who just totally surprised me with the feeling of a hard kick to the right nut. Really, that fucking hurt. But it subsided in a few seconds. Thank God.

“Now to do the other side,” the doc said.

Oh fucking what? I have to take that again? Shit, shit, oh shit.

Prick, he stabbed the other side of my scrotum. Ouch.

“Now a burn,” he repeated.

Oooooh, God it burned, like the other side of my scrotum was on fire.

“And a lower kick,” he said again.

FUCK! Damn! That “lower kick” really does feel like a crunch to the nad. And then he was finished with the shots.

“And a scratch,” he finished.

I hardly noticed the scratch.

“OK,” he said, “we’ll let that take effect, and I’ll be back in a little while.” Then he left the room.

I was again left all alone, but this time I was a mental, emotional, and physical wreck. I had been literally surprised and startled by everything that happened. My family jewels had been frozen, stabbed, burned, kicked, and scratched, all with barely any warning for any of it. Oh my God! What the fuck had I gotten myself into here? Why the hell wasn’t the Valium helping me?

This doctor’s office wasn’t a low-rent place. We thoroughly researched the practice before setting up the appointment — and it’s one of the more expensive docs in the area. But, oh my God, this is apparently all so routine for them that they don’t think to warn or soothe a patient.

My arms and legs started trembling. My teeth were chattering. I wasn’t cold or bodily uncomfortable, I was just a complete wreck with anxiety, now. Was this trembling normal? Was it an effect of the Valium — which seemed to have been completely shocked out of my system. Was it a reaction to the anesthesia? Was it just my nerves?

After several minutes, nothing down below was feeling numb. You know how you can feel the anesthetic in your mouth and face after the shots at the dentist office? You know you’re numb. But I felt no difference in my lower region, anywhere. I felt completely normal down there, other than the memory of the sting, burn, and kick of the shots. Does that mean the anesthetic wasn’t working? More fuel for anxiety.

Son of a bitch, those shots had hurt! This was a goddamn nightmare! I was trembling uncontrollably all over. And there was no one in the room to ask about what was going on. And the Valium? What Valium?

Eventually, after a near eternity, the nurse came back in. She noticed my trembling, and asked if I was cold. “No,” I answered. “Is this trembling normal?”

“Are you nervous?” she asked.

“Well yeah,” I answered. (Is anyone not at least a little nervous about having surgery down there?) I didn’t add: I just had my nuts tortured without warning. “Can you just put me to sleep?” I asked.

“Just close your eyes,” she said, “and relax.” I thought, Oh fuck you and your “just relax.”

That was not going to happen. The Valium was having no effect on me now. I was wide awake, scared shitless, with my genitals fully exposed to that tray full of sharp and grabbing instruments at the end of the bed. What more was going to happen without warning? Was I going to feel the cutting and poking to come? I still didn’t feel any numbness in any lower parts. My shaking got worse.

The nurse said, “I’ll tell the doctor you’re having difficulty.” And then she left the room again. No attempt to soothe me, no attempt to explain anything.

My shaking continued. My chattering teeth bit my tongue a couple of times. My arms and legs were vibrating like crazy. I was just thinking, Can they just get this damn procedure started and done with already? But am I going to feel anything? Am I numb? What more are they not going to tell me until the moment I feel something?

Goddamn, that shot, burn, and kick hurt so bad! What. The. Fuck!

I was alone for another many minutes before the doctor and nurse both came back in. “Do you think you can settle down?” the doc asked me.

“Can you just put me to sleep?” I asked back.

“We can’t do general anesthesia in the office,” he said, “and I can’t do the procedure with you shaking like this. How about we stop today and set up an appointment at the hospital so you can sleep through it?”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“We’ll go out and get your wife to come back here and help you,” he said.

Wifegrit later told me that when he went and got her from the waiting room, he didn’t even introduce himself as the doctor or anything. It was only after a few sentences of his explanation that she figured he must be the doc. They really aren’t very informative.

Once I was off the table, sitting in a chair and putting my clothes back on, the nurse came back in. My shakes had almost completely gone away by then, and I thought maybe I can hop back on the table and finish this up.

I asked, “How long do the shots last for anesthesia?”

“About 30 minutes,” she said.

I checked my watch: 35 minutes since I got the shots. (Also now past the 2 hour “most effective” duration of the Valium.) Shit. To go through with it now meant I’d have to go through two more shots, burns, and kicks. Motherfuck, they had hurt. And then the wondering about whether they had actually made me numb at all came back to mind. I still didn’t feel a difference down below — no numbness, and no feeling of numbness fading. That area felt completely normal, just as it had when the shots should have been having affect.

After we left the procedure room, we talked with the hospital appointment organizer for the office. We got information, and we’ll figure out our next steps soon.

I was really mad. I was mad at myself for my anxiety. I was mad at the doc and nurse for their surprising me with shock and pain. I was mad at walking out of the office with no completion.

* * *

Now, I know men go through this procedure all the time. I know that office and doctor perform the procedure all the time. Yes, I was pretty apprehensive about the whole thing over the past few days, but I’ve gone through with many ordeals that I’ve been apprehensive over. I’ve gone through painful procedures before, like this, and this. But this whole scenario was too much. It wasn’t just the pain, which was pretty bad, but it combined with the surprise of it, and the location of it, was apparently more than I could handle.

Really, that surprise burn and kick was truly stunning, (and I’d say the surprise factor was very unfair). And the lack of numbness anywhere afterward, in anticipation of being cut and probed, drove me over the edge. I’m a combination of angry, disappointed, and embarrassed. But I just couldn’t control the shakes no matter how hard I tried. My body was shocked, and my mind couldn’t calm it down. And dammit, the nurse and doctor were no friggin’ help at all. It was their lack of sufficient warning that caused all the surprise and startlement, and they never explained any damn thing.

Bullgrit