In Walmart several days ago, I browsed through the music section. I found a CD compilation titled, Love 70’s Style. It looked like a great CD for some romantic time with the wife.

“When I Need You” – by Leo Sayer
“So Into You” – Atlanta Rhythm Section
“Could It Be I’m Fallin’ in Love” – The Spinners
and nine other songs

Great romantic songs that give that nostalgic warm fuzzy feeling. I bought it, and we played it. It wasn’t what we expected. I missed the little note at the bottom of the CD cover, “New Stereo Re-recordings by the Original Artists.”

The songs didn’t sound the same as we remembered and were expecting. My wife described it as sounding like karaoke night. Sure, it was the “original artists,” but it was not the original recordings that we remember from the radio. The songs sounded just different enough to be off-putting. They didn’t bring the nostalgic warm fuzzies.

The “Selections marked with an (*) are live recordings” songs were especially . . . troublesome. It’s kind of difficult to get into the romantic mood when it sounds like you’re in the middle of a concert.

Bullgrit
bullgrit@totalbullgrit.com

I went to see a movie last night. I went alone, as is common for me when the movie I want to see is not one my wife cares to see. Actually, it’s not uncommon for me to go alone even if the movie is one the wife wants to see (always a month after it’s been out — to avoid the crowds).

Some people consider it strange to go see a movie in the theater alone. I don’t understand why they think that, I mean, it’s not like sitting the dark, quiet, staring up at a screen makes for a particularly interesting social event. I’m told, even by some friends, that only weirdoes, losers, and social rejects go to the movies alone. Well, maybe they do, but I offer myself as evidence that they are not the only ones who do so.

Tuesday nights are apparently not a big day for movie theaters. There were maybe 15 cars in the parking lot at 7:00. There was no one in either of the ticket booths (which have four windows each). I walked in behind two young women, and we all went up to the inside manager’s desk to buy our tickets. I ended up following the two women across the foyer, down the entrance hall, and all the way down the side hall. I didn’t hear the movie they bought tickets for at the desk, but apparently we were there to see the same movie.

They stopped outside theater door number 12, and talked for a moment. I walked past them, and into theater number 12. I wondered if they were pausing to see if I was stalking them.

The theater was dark, and the projector was rolling when I entered. There was an older couple in the center seats, about half-way up the rows. I took a seat in front of them. A few moments after I settled down, the two women came in and took seats in front of me.

There was 17 minutes of commercials before the movie. Geez, but it’s getting ridiculous. Half the commercials were not movie trailers — there were at least two car commercials, two soft drink commercials, and a marine recruitment ad.

About 20 minutes into the feature, another couple came in the theater. A woman in a motorized (but quiet) wheelchair, and a walking man. They parked the chair at the bottom of the steps, and the man helped the woman very slowly up the steps to my row. He helped her sit down very slowly, and then went back down to move the chair out of the steps path. He brought back up an armload of popcorn and drinks.

I’ll review the movie later, in my movie section.

A couple times, I heard the woman behind me ask the man with her a question about what was going on. When the movie was over, they immediately started discussing the plot. It wasn’t annoying, really, even when she spoke during the movie. I just noticed it, because, well, I notice things like that.

I waited till the credits finished rolling, but found no after-credits scene. I kind of wish movies wouldn’t ever have anything after the credits. Only about half the movies do have such end scenes, but about half such scenes are actually relatively important to the movie. If it is important for the movie, or important for a potential sequel, it should be in the movie, not after it.

Before the credits finished, the couple behind me and the two women in front of me had already left. It took the man beside me the full time of the credits to get the handicapped woman back down the steps and into her wheelchair. I got out the door before they were ready.

Outside the multiplex, the two young women were standing and talking in the parking lot, and the older couple were standing on the curb. I heard the couple talking about the movie, and the woman was still trying to figure out parts of what had happened.

I passed them all and got in my car. Just a weirdo, all alone, going home to my sleeping family.

Bullgrit
bullgrit@totalbullgrit.com

Okay, so my September 30 post was a joke. I was feeling a little silly at the time I was writing it, and the concept just kind of flowed from the moment. I gave hints:

“the first Sunday in April”
“one day shy of half a year later”
“six months and one day”

I assumed anyone who was interested would look up the date for my references, and would realize April 1 meant joke. Well, you know what happens when you assume: You make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”

So, I’ll try to stick to the true anecdotes from now on. Whenever I do a joke post or a fiction post, I’ll identify it as such. Except for actual April Fool’s day; if someone falls for the joke on that day, I won’t apologize.

Anyway, so let me tell you what I did as an April Fool prank this year:

I stopped by a bagel place on the way in to the office. I picked up two pumpernickel bagels—they’re dark brown. At the office, I broke both bagels in two, and arranged them so they looked like . . . a big “dropping.” I took one into the men’s restroom and placed it next to a stall, in a slightly shadowed spot. It looked perfectly like someone did “you know what” on the floor.

I had to get a trustworthy accomplice for the second bagel. I asked a female friend to check out the ladies’ restroom. When she told me it was empty, I hurried in and set the second bagel in a similar place as in the men’s room.

The hard thing about this prank is that it takes a while to learn of any effects it might have had. I usually prefer immediate gratification, but I had to act like an adult and have patience for this scenario. (Yes, that’s intentional irony — “act like an adult.”)

It took an hour or two before I heard anyone commenting on the “mess” left in the restroom, but soon it was the quiet talk of the office. The setup in the men’s room got removed within two hours, and I have no idea how. Did one of my coworkers “deal” with it, or did someone call a housekeeper? The setup in the ladies’ room lasted a little longer, but then someone kicked it and revealed it to be a bagel.

I was loving the talk around the office, and it took all my willpower to not burst out laughing instead of showing a face of shock and disgust when someone mentioned it. Unfortunately, and ironically, I busted myself in a completely unexpected way.

My accomplice and I had been in an instant messenger chat off and on during the morning, and one time when I intended to let her know the latest news on the prank that I had heard, I accidentally opened a chat to the wrong woman. The wrong woman figured out the secret from my misdirected message, and came to me to talk about it.

Fortunately, she has a sense of humor, and was fine with the prank, so she just laughed. Eventually a few other people learned who was the culprit, but by that time, everyone had figured out that the “mess” was actually just a bagel. So everyone accepted it as good, light fun.

Bullgrit
bullgrit@totalbullgrit.com

We dined at a pizza buffet yesterday for lunch. Just a usual Sunday noon, but the restaurant wasn’t very busy. We’re sitting there eating our pizza and salads, and I happen to see a family come in the front door and walk up to the register. The family is a father, mother, probably 10 year old son, and a maybe 4 or 5 year old son.

The younger boy is carrying a gun. A full-size, black, 9mm Beretta pistol. The first thought to come to mind was, “Holy crap!” As one part of my brain was planning how to get my family out of the restaurant, another part noticed how the kid was carrying the gun. He was waving it in one hand, absent mindedly, just toying with it as a young child tends to do. There is no way a 4 or 5 year old child could wave a real pistol around like that—a real gun is much too heavy for that.

When I first noticed it, the child was about 15 feet away. I was packed into my seat between family members, and my 6 year old was between me and the pistol-packing child. Within a couple seconds, the child came to about 10 feet away, and I saw the muzzle of the gun had no bore (hole down the barrel).

It definitely wasn’t real, but it looked real. Very real. I’ve handled, carried, and fired real guns before, and it fooled me. Had an adult been carrying that thing, I would have acted to get the family out of the restaurant as quickly as possible. If the child had come closer than 10 feet, I would have snatched the gun out of his hand.

As it was, we watched the child wander around the restaurant for several seconds until his parents finished at the register and went to a table at the back. He was twirling and flipping the pistol the whole time.

His parents: what absolute morons. What the hell were they thinking? Letting a 4 year old walk into a restaurant with a real-looking pistol?

We left within a couple minutes of that family entering. I kind of wish I had done or said something; but what could I really do or say? Besides, I had my family with me and needed to get my kids out. And what if the kid was playing with a toy pistol because his father had a real one? Too many weird variables to contemplate in that situation.

I’m not a anti-gun guy. I love guns. I love to hold guns, I love to shoot guns, I own a couple guns (currently stored safely in the attic). But I say you never let a 4-5 year old play with a toy gun. A kid needs to learn the basics of civilized behavior before you give them a toy to simulate hard-core violence. (A 4-5 year old may not have learned to not hit, kick, or bite, yet.) And even when a child is old enough to understand the difference between a toy and the real thing, between play and real life and death, you don’t ever give a child a toy gun that looks real. That kind of thing can get the child killed.

And if you for some reason do give a child a real looking gun, don’t let them take it into a public setting. I just cannot express how terribly stupid those parents were. That was irresponsible to their child and to everyone in that restaurant.

Bullgrit
bullgrit@totalbullgrit.com