April 30th, 2003

I wrote up a “Murphy’s Laws of Adventuring” many years ago based on the “Murphy’s Laws of Combat” that referred to modern military engagements. (You can probably find a copy of the MLoC somewhere on the Web.)

I rediscovered my list a couple years ago while cleaning my HD. I’ve updated it for D&D3 terminology, but some of the concepts were really more prevalent in older editions of the game.

MURPHY’S LAWS OF ADVENTURING

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

No plan ever survives contact with the monster.

If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.

The easy way is always trapped.

If you don’t check it first, it is trapped.

If you do check it first, you won’t find the trap.

If the room is full of treasure, it’s a trap.

If the room is empty, it’s a trap.

When in doubt, send in a henchman.

Pit traps are True Neutral.

The area of effect of a fireball always includes a wounded friend.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the dragon other people to attack.

Don’t look conspicuous; it draws attacks. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for mages to be known as arrow magnets.

If you have secured the area, make sure the monsters know it too.

A charging tarrasque has right of way.

Anything you do can get you killed; including nothing.

Make it too tough for monsters to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.

There is always a problem that could be solved by a spell you didn’t prepare.

Rear attacks only occur when all the fighters are at the front of the marching order.

Experience Point math: 1 orc + 4 rats = 2,000 xp each.

There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.

The most serious wounds come after all cure potions have been drunk (or the cleric is killed).

Fireball is not a melee weapon.

The truly powerful magic swords do not emit light.

Really interesting magic items look like common trash. [Mostly an older game phenomenon.]

A pile of old rags always conceals an Elven Cloak and Boots. [Mostly an older game phenomenon.]

The main leader’s chamber always has a secret door.

Gems or a magic item can always be found at the bottom of a well, under a pile of bones, and inside a large monster’s stomach.

Never let the rogue open a chest unsupervised.

Spell books always have the first page magically trapped.

That ring of featherfall is really a ring of delusion.

Leave the dragon egg alone. Dragons do not make good pets.

That attractive tavern patron staring at you is a vampire.

Wandering encounters only occur when you are not prepared.

While on night guard duty, you should wake up your companions before investigating that strange noise in the dark.

That bridge across the deep chasm is an illusion. That boulder rolling down the hill at you is not.

When faced with a lever, don’t pull it. When faced with a button, don’t push it. When faced with a choice, don’t choose.

Secret doors are always found by the character who thinks the search is a waste of effort.

Potions never have labels. If a potion does have a label, it’s poison.

Wands found in a treasure pile never have more than 5 charges.

Wands in the hands of an enemy wizard never have less than a full 50 charges.

Fighters should always specialize in swords. You’ll never find a magic voulge. [Mostly an older game phenomenon.]

If you need a 2 or better to hit, you’ll roll a 20. If you need a 3 or better, you’ll roll a 2. If you need a 20 to hit, you’ll roll four 19’s in a row.

If you dropped your rations to distract a pursuing monster, you’ll find out afterward that it was actually your bag of gems that you dropped.

Critical hits only happen when fighting goblins. Fumbles only happen when fighting giants.

Only magic weapons break.

Any valuable item found in an evil temple is cursed.

If you survive, it’s because you are a coward.

If you die, it’s because you are stupid.

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Eh? It was funny 15 years ago.

Bullgrit
bullgrit@totalbullgrit.com