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If I Was a Billionaire

If I was a billionaire, I’d produce an action movie starring me. Bad guys would be after me, but with wits and wiles, I’d stay one step ahead of them. Occasionally I’d let a couple or ten thugs catch up with me, and then I’d kick their asses. I’d dodge bullets, I’d leap away from explosions, I’d drive a car through a building, I’d snap off cool one-liners.

I’d hire a bunch of Hollywood action stars to play cameos just to state how badass I am.

Bruce Willis would say, “That, fellas, is Bullgrit. You guys might want to let him go.”

Jason Statham would say, “I’ll hold your coat, Mr. Grit, so you don’t get their blood on it.”

Daniel Craig would say, “His name is Grit. Bull Grit.”

Keanu Reeves would say, “Whoa.”

Lucy Liu would say, “Mmmm.”

Samuel L. Jackson would say . . . something I shouldn’t put in this family friendly web site. The movie would have to be rated NC-17.

I’d get a personal trainer to get me in shape for the gratuitous shirtless scene. I’d burn through more ammunition than Delta Force does in a month of training. I’d wreck 13 cars. I’d buy a building just to blow it up.

I’d start teaser trailers a year before the movie is to be released. I’d pay critics to just keep their damn mouths shut.

Released at the same time as the movie would be an “unofficial” biography of me that supports everything shown in the movie as being fact. (The beginning of the movie would state, “Based on true events.”) I’d hire a cosmetic surgeon to add a couple of knife and bullet scars to my body. A bullet scar on the shoulder, small blade scar at the eyebrow — just enough to give me “character” and show how tough I am (and support the “truth” of the movie and book).


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8 Responses to If I Was a Billionaire

  1. brogrit says:

    so there must be a theme going with the “if i was a billionaire”….it would take a lot more money than that for you to get a movie made like that…i would be the lead person in disproving all the “facts” that would be in the movie…why 13 cars, why not more, or less, or are you trying to be “badass” with the number 13…you know, you have never even broken a bone, had stitches, cut yourself, or burn yourself….been in trouble in any way….it’s starting to sound like you want to make a movie about me….but…..i can be bought….there is a figure….. to keep me quiet….and to say it was all you….but………you are not a billionaire…..and all that i just said as happened to me……DAMN! did i just ruin the movie….?????

  2. mom says:

    You can save money on the cosmetic surgeon, I am sure Cowgrit will help you with the scars, lets see next time you don’t take the trash out. one hit on the head with a tin can, The shoulder, the boys could stick you with one of their swords. And of course in the interest of “helping you save money” I am sure I can remember something from you childhood that I did not punish you for. Now where do you want to other scar? Looks like to me the entire family is willing to help. And for enough money I can take care of the “younger Bro” (grin)

  3. brogrit says:

    yea mom…..but…..”take care of the younger bro”……i thought we were tighter than that…..

  4. mom says:

    just checking to see if you were paying attention.

  5. Bullgrit says:

    “it would take a lot more money than that for you to get a movie made like that”
    — The Dark Knight cost less than 200 million to make. A billion is 1,000 million.

    “you have never even broken a bone, had stitches, cut yourself, or burn yourself….been in trouble in any way”
    — I have broken a bone. I have had stitches. I have had a warrant out for my arrest. (Will explain in a future post, here.)

    “yea mom….i thought we were tighter than that.”
    — Well, I’d be the billionaire. That can change everything.

  6. mom says:

    Wait!! Lets go back to the arrest warrant????
    Is this in my “need to know” area?

  7. brogrit says:

    ooooooo let the cat out of the bag on that one….and, you may have had a warrent….but i’ve been arrested….and when have you broken a bone….i don’t remember any of these things you “say” you have done…and don’t pull the, “it happened before you were born” or “when you were a baby” crap….i want comfirmation on this….

  8. Bullgrit says:

    How much time has passed since we lived together, or even just near each other? At least 20 years. That’s half my life you know little to nothing about.

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