Slippery Slide

Among the thrill slide choices at Great Wolf Lodge is the four-lane Mountain Edge Raceway with a digital timer at the end. As competitive as I am, this was calling my name more than the other slides.

The first time I went down, Calfgrit6 was in the lane beside me. I gave him a little push on his slick mat when the lifeguard said, “Ready, set, go!” and then I plopped chest down on my own mat and zipped down the chute.

Calfgrit6 emerged from the tunnel slide first, just ahead of me, but then I rocketed past him spraying water all around as I braked to a stop. He wanted to race again because, as he said, “I want to win.”

We jogged back up the staircase to the top of the slide and then took positions for another race. But I won again. I wanted to race like a daddy and let him win, but it’s not easy, (nor probably safe), to slow one’s self down when sliding down a wet plastic tube on a slick foam mat. The little guy had to admit he was far outclassed, (because I outweigh him by a hundred pounds), on that race track, and so he gave up interest in that slide. We moved on to the other thrills.

But later, when he was playing with his big brother in the wave pool, overwatched by their mother, I went back to the race slide for a little self-competition.

The park wasn’t very crowded, so there wasn’t a line for the slide, and most “races,” I went down all by myself. My challenge was against the timer at the end. After a couple times down, getting a time of around 10 seconds, I asked the lifeguard what a fast time was.

“You have to get at least 9.5 or 9.3.” So 9.3 became my goal.

After another couple times down, I had pretty much figured out some good speed tactics. I’d stand at the beginning, rather than lay down, and when the lifeguard at the top/beginning of the slide called out, “Go!” I threw myself into the tunnel. I had to stay crouched pretty low to avoid bashing my head on the top of the tunnel entrance.

At one point, I threw myself forward so enthusiastically that when I came down on my mat, the upturned front of the mat caught me right in the throat. I was gagging all the way down, but I still managed to beat even 9.0 seconds, (8.81 to be exact), on that run.

Another time going down, when my mat went up on the side of the tunnel through a turn, I rolled off the mat. It wasn’t until I blasted out of the tunnel like the last piece of cereal tumbling out of the box, near the end of the slide, where the bottom drops out from under the rider, giving me several inches of room for mat replacement, that I was able to get the mat back under me. Just in time to protect myself from the rippled plastic “brakes” at the very end of the slide.

I took a break from the racing after an 8.02 seconds run. A couple hours later, I wanted to try at least one more run to maybe get under 8 seconds. Again, I was the lone rider in the “race.” I told the beginning lifeguard that I was trying to best 8 seconds. He said, “OK, let’s see what we can do.”

That run down the slide came in at 6.50 seconds. Holy crap! Six and a half seconds!?

When I told the beginning lifeguard my time, he said, “I told you I’d help you out.” That statement raised my suspicions. After that next run, I asked the lifeguard at the end of the slide exactly how the race is timed. I had been assuming that a sensor at the beginning and end of the slide marked the start and finish of the race. Sadly, no. There is a sensor at the finish line, but the timer is started by the beginning lifeguard, manually.

I was disappointed. I thought I had been participating in a fair race against a fair clock. But, sadly, really I had just been running against whatever approximation of fairness the beginning lifeguard, (different guards at different times), felt like setting. That last, 6.5 second, result was just the beginning lifeguard cheating for me.

Sigh.

That really annoyed me. I’m too damn competitive for my own good. And apparently too damn naive.

Well, even if the “racing” aspect of the slide was a sham, I did have fun flying down that wet chute and rocketing out of the tunnel like a human cannonball. The ride was fun even if the results were bogus.

Bullgrit